Divorce for guys sucks. I don’t know how bluntly I can put it, I don’t know if it can be truly explained unless you have gone through it. It is an awful pit of anxiety, grief, depression, anger, loathing, and mind tearing insanity. So, not good right – ok, you probably got that from this rant and many other I have posted! I try to give good post divorce advice for men on this blog, but I also realise I am not an expert, and I tend to get carried away with my own agenda of male rights which can confuse the issue a bit.
These are all important things, but if you are a guy living in post divorce turmoil then I wanted to point you to another very good resources. An Ebook that is dedicated to helping men after divorce deal with the psychological and emotional side of post divorce recovery.
A couple of things before you check this out I wanted to say:
This is NOT:
- A guide that has any hatred or vitriol against women in any way whatsoever!
- A guide that deal with how to “win” a divorce – there is no winning in the end, your own mental health is more important.
- A guide that is about how to seduce women after divorce – that shit is not needed and it totally detrimental for post divorce guys.
What this guide do is help you understand a few things that are essential such as:
- The root psychological problem that causes all the turmoil.
- Practical skills to help you deal with the stages of grief
- How to link all problems and action back to the core psychological principles
- How to move on and forget your ex and the painful memories to build a new life.
I like the authors style who can put things more eloquently than I can, the post divorce advice for men in this guide is spot on and worth looking at. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea I understand, but i do think it will help most guys having trouble after a divorce. So if you want to know more, click below to check it out..
Post Divorce Advice For Men
In my previous post I mentioned that one way out of depression was to begin to rebuild your life. Rebuilding life after divorce for guys is something that seems obvious, but I think it needs some qualification before we go into it.
This is a loaded word and I use it very sparingly because it contains a connotation I don’t like for men, post-divorce. When we rebuild something, some people like to rebuild it just the way it was. A historic building falling into ruin is often rebuilt in exactly the same style because we value what it looked like, and we want to keep that piece of history. Men do the same thing when rebuilding their life sometimes, they try to mimic what it was to be themselves not long ago when they were married. This means they often rebuild it with the same flaws, and also tend to create a prison of regret and bad memories while doing it.
Some guys tend to attempt to get their ex back which rarely ever works. Some guys try to seduce s woman as close to their ex wife as possible. Some guys just try living the same way, in as many ways as they can.
This is not rebuilding the RIGHT way. This is the WRONG way.
Rebuilding properly mean building something, but that thing must be a new design, a new way. You are RE-building your life, but it should not mirror what it once ways. It must be something that is new and reflects who you are now, it must give you direction and purpose, it must fulfil you and give you a place in the world.
This ties into your ego and a bunch of other psychological stuff inside your head. Having a strong sense of self, and self respect is what it is all about you see, and building a new life helps with this, and having self respect will help you build it too. They go hand in hand.
Coping with depression after divorce for guys can be a tough ask. The loneliness, the loss, the grief, the pain – it is pretty screwed up and no one seems to be able to help. In fact, sometimes we don’t seek the help in fear of being labelled weak. We just try to get on with it with this gaping hole in our hearts right. If you feel this way then you need some help man, it is not normal to go through these things alone completely. You don’t need to be lying on a cough talking about things to a shrink though, you just need to know a way out, a way to release, a way forward which can be hard to find in your own mind.
Men are good when we have the information we need to move on but it seems to hard to find. However coping with divorce and depression is something you can do, many have done it before, many will do it again. YOU can do it too if you understand where it all comes from.
Depression is not just about being sad, it is not just about loss and grief. Depression is about not letting go of the past and having it haunt you. It is all about your own insecurities in this new world after divorce and this hole can never be filled with your old life haunting you every step of the way.
This is the trick I used once i realised I had to move on from this stage.
- Every time I felt depressed I would imagine just one memory from my marriage, from my old life.
- I would remember it fondly, or with regret, or whatever needed to be felt – fully.
- I then imagined holding this memory in my hands one last time.
- I then imagines releasing it like you would release a leaf into strong flowing water to watch it be swept away.
This did not make me forget this memory, but it allowed me a moment to grieve it passing so it would not come back again and send me into a downward spiral. Over time this allowed me to stop hurting so much, but it did leave me feeling hollow. So I started to implement some things to fill that gap. Now the pain ways dulled, I found I could find some small energy to fill this gap with something NEW. After while I added more things and activities, I could feel a new life emerging which helped me speed up the recovery process.
I don’t know if that gonna help you, but it really helped me cope with depression after divorce.
Divorce and men. Two things that do not go together well at all. Women and divorce are not fantastic either – and kids and divorce probably worse, but men and divorce need some extra mentioning because they are the most neglected and glossed over group in this entire sad mess. Why do we gloss over this anyway? The statistics constantly tell us than men are more vulnerable to mental illness from divorce at every turn. In fact, suicide rates of men after divorce are at a point that is fucking disgraceful!
The reason for this is that the world is a sexist place still – towards men and women, just in different ways. We all expect men to be stoic and man up all the time without letting men have any emotions at all. Men are emotional creatures just as women are. Yet we still have some sort of screwed up group thinking that the optimum in manliness is to be able to cope under any circumstances and be tough as nails no matter how devastating the situation. Manly tears not allowed under any circumstance.
Now this is bad when it comes from women directed at men, and from other men directed at men – but the worst is when a man thinks this is how he has to be and punishes himself for being what he thinks is weak. Nothing is a devastating as self hate and loathing that comes with feeling powerless and weak. There are so many reports of men in terrible mental health situations who just crack, go on shooting sprees, take their kids and wife with them, or suicide by themselves, or cause some sort of atrocity. These are extremes but this sort of stress and pressure is what causes men to fuck themselves up!
Men have feelings and emotions and divorce causes so many of them to boil over they need help. That is what this blog is about – if you are a guy and have been divorced – dotn keep it all inside, feel free to let it out. I will keep righting more on how to cope – and who to keep the hell away from that will make you more miserable, the sexist fucks in the media and real life that’s who …